I believe placing your faith in Jesus is a one-time act, but the goal is to let your faith in the Trinity permeate every part of yourself, and that is a continuous journey. Mine began when I was 11 years old playing a game called 7-up in my 4th-grade teacher, Ms. Scott’s class. There are moments when the room is quiet, and I remember my thoughts drifting to Jesus. I knew I believed He existed, but I wasn’t sure if I had ever simply said, “I believe You are who You say You are; please forgive me for my sins,” and so I did. Later that year, I was baptized at Pleasant Plains Church in Winton, North Carolina. I remember the call my pastor made, and I remember no hesitation. Of course, at that age, I had no idea I would be bringing baggage into the relationship I asked for. That baggage was filled with rejection and abandonment issues because the depth of my faith in Jesus was directly tied to the relationship I had with my father.

What happens to a little girl if she grows up without her dad telling her about the value she was born with? How does she know what being treated with respect in a relationship feels like? Where does she go to get the validation that she’s pretty enough, funny enough, just simply… enough? I can tell you; she goes searching for it, subconsciously and consciously. She looks for men who will give her the attention she craves, ignoring if they are doing it for selfish reasons. She bases the partners she chooses on superficial standards, like money, looks, or status. She doesn’t care if he prays, worships, or even believes in God. She only cares that someone wants to get to know her because for most of her life she’s wondered why her biological father never bothered. She believes that their attention serves as validation of her value as a person.

In my junior year of college, when I was living with a guy who was agnostic at best, I began to feel like something was missing in my life. I went back to my roots and started going to church again. A few weeks later, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. He told me I was changing and not the person I was before. Eventually, he walked out, leaving me alone, but not truly alone; God began to talk to me. I felt loved but convicted as well. When my boyfriend came back, I told him I was changing, for the better, and I wanted him to change with me. I tried to convince him that whatever we had to give up to do life God’s way would be worth it and that I was sure it was the direction I wanted to go. That night, while I was sleeping, he quietly packed his things and drove across the country.

I woke up the next day on a Sunday morning, and once I realized what happened, I had no desire to go to church. I had lost a boyfriend, didn’t have a job, and was living in an apartment that was too expensive. I resisted pushing God away and drove there anyways but was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts like “You deserve this.” “It’s your fault that you are alone now.” “Why are you even going to church?” “You make bad decisions.” And “You’ll always be alone.” As Pastor Steven Furtick preached, I was still having those thoughts, but then he stopped preaching. He stopped, looked out into the crowd, in my direction, and said, “You will never be alone.” “You are not an orphan with no one to care for you.” “You have a Father, and you belong right here.” God used him to shut down the exact thoughts I was being plagued with. I sat there in absolute awe, literally astonished. His sermon had nothing to do with what he had just said. 

In hindsight, I wonder if me going to church that day was an act of submitting to God where, in the process, He made the enemy flee. I got rebaptized a few weeks later and spent the next five years in dedicated singleness and with a renewed focus on Him. I began to self-reflect and go through the issues I had ignored for a long time. Life became quiet again, and through the Bible, other books, sermons, and prayer I began to understand that the weight of my failures could never surpass God’s faithfulness to me. What I wanted from my father and tried to get from relationships I found with Him.

Now, looking back on that day in Ms. Scott’s class, I know all of Heaven celebrated when I said that simple sentence and I believe they were celebrating again as I reluctantly drove to Elevation Church 12 years later. I hope my testimony tells everyone that whatever your bags hold, open them up before God. He’s not surprised by the things they are filled with, but you’ll be surprised at the grace and acceptance you receive.

Thanks for reading a story from Childfree Christians—choosing joy, purpose, and a whole lot of freedom.